Overhauling your life isn't easy - isn't some morning you stumble out of bed, aching from a crappy night's sleep, and think: "huh, maybe I should lose weight, stop procrastinating, and stop being afraid of failure". It isn't some random epiphany or light bulb blazing in your head. It starts in the back of your mind as something you know you SHOULD do, something that nags you in a whiny voice that you shove away time and time again. After so many months, even years of pushing this voice away, it may eventually disappear - or it may get tired of the mistreatment, may start to get louder, angrier, and maybe even start shoving back when you try to manhandle it.

My aunt joined a gym this past February. I started going as her visitor. After a month, I joined Planet Fitness and started going a few times a week, then four times, then six times. I started browsing Youtube for weight loss before and after pics, found a girl called Shanti ([link]) and her channel "Losing Weight the Hard Way". I started watching her videos, watching what she did. Then I started looking at the recommended videos along the side bar there, and found several from a free weight loss website called SparkPeople. Free should never be refused, much less Free and weightloss in the same sentence. I joined in May, and from March to now, I've went from a size 18 to a size 14, and still losing. My goal weight is 115 lbs, right in the middle of my BMI range. I'm 189 lbs as of this morning.

With already a big a chunk of weight gone, it's unbelievable how I feel. I can move better, sleep better, I look better (still have a long way to go though!) and since I'm eating only 1300-1700 calories a day, I've had to make better choices in what I put into my gut. Less processed crap, more fruits, lean meats, lean dairy, alternatives to high calorie things like mac n cheese, bagels, fried chicken, etc.. I've had to completely rethink food, wonder about what I'm putting into my body. I've limited my process food to deli turkey and a few things here or there that don't have ingredient lists the length of my arm. I haven't ate at a fast food place for months.  

And I thought, if I can do this with weight loss, why can't I with art?

So, I'm taking it one day at a time, being patient, being hard on myself. I'm working on a private commission right now; the poor guy's been waiting for years. Literally. I redid his piece, and have committed to giving him progress reports every Wednesday and Sunday to keep myself from falling off the wagon. I'm going to treat my fear of art as I treat my fear of exercise, eating well. Mentally, I have to WANT to change. I have to WANT to do it the hard way. I have to really think about what I'm afraid of, and what I have to do to change it. Losing weight without pills, gimmicks, or cheating is the hardest thing for anyone to do. Especially for those with 100+ pounds to lose.

And when I'm finished, I will have lost 120 pounds - that's akin to losing another person. And I AM losing someone. A girl who was attached to me for the longest time, a girl who I don't want around me anymore, a girl who who constantly sabotaged me, a girl who was afraid, lazy, mean-spirited...and miserable.

I don't want to be her anymore.